A Solitary Individual

I quit my job last year and had my reasons for the same. An year later I can confirm it was probably one of 'the best decisions of my life'. Believe me, I don't get to use that phrase very often in my life. Safe to say, I learned so much at the job that I simply couldn't do that anymore. To surmise, I was an anomaly in that particular environment which brings me to the theme of the blog.

Solace can mean so many different things to different people. For me finding solace in solitude has also been a journey of self-discovery. This very theme takes me back to a time when I'd hop onto my bunk bed and be wholly engrossed in my dreamland inscribed by ink. If only exams would stimulate the right side of the brain as much as the left. I'd often be immersed in a world of my own and that eventually became my safe space. Reading was a habit that was inculcated in me and now has become a part of my personality.

However, like any other teenager it did take a back burner for me when I was more interested in a world of vanity. That was also the time when I was very far away from my real personality, completely oblivious of the fact at the same time. I mean, how many teenagers actually live a life with a sense of awareness? It's the complete opposite of that. Recklessness and complacency at it's best. So, after years of digression I found my way back to my childhood sweetheart- reading.

I am an introvert. Unabashedly and uninhibitedly so. Since I am also more of a listener, it doesn't really make for an ideal combination or does it? I'd much rather stay at home and do nothing than step out of home to do something. The math doesn't add up for me. For someone who found comfort in a book when she was supposed to step out and befriend people, what would one even expect? Although, in your teens if you're spending more time alone than amongst your peers, it's definitely not out of choice. Everything in a teenager's life is about validation. That's just the norm. I am sure there are exceptions to the rule, but I've known a handful of such kids.

That brings me to the question I've been asked ever so often since I left my job- What do you do? How do you pass time? These questions come out of genuine curiosity and I am sure, even concern. The answer is, I mastered the art of doing nothing when I was very young. I am just improving on that skill now. I do try and incorporate some flow, routine to my days and on some days fail miserably at it. But, that's alright for me. Name one task where you can improve without failing at it. None. Zilch.

Also, I've come to realise after having countless conversations with my mentor that loneliness is often looked at as dissonance. There is something off puting about that word. It could easily qualify as a taboo. On the other hand, it's nothing but a life skill. To be able to spend your time in solitude is a rather sagacious act. It's self-love. It's a reflection of how well you know yourself. Mind you, the willingness to do the same does not stem from anger, resentment or frustration. It's a way of preserving your peace. In spite of conspicuously vouching for it, I cannot take way from the sheer bliss one gets out of being in good company. Both are incomparable and irreplaceable.

At this point of time in my life, I am trying to find joy in everything that I do in life. Simply trying. It's far from easy because joy doesn't ever come knocking at your door. You have to find it within. When you find joy, it is exactly where a mountain of despodency is accumulated. It's all in the same place.

If you don't like spending time by yourself, and you're not a teenager (they are exceptions to the rule), you got to start trying. Also, doomscrolling doesn't count. Watching reels that inspire you for a good minute, doesn't count. Spending time with yourself should make you feel liberated and rejuvenated. When your thoughts no longer eat you up and your anxiety doesn't bog you down, know that you've discovered the path to contentment. Atleast, you know where to come back to each time you deviate. Home isn't a place, it's a person. That person is YOU.